A Letter To My Attacker

Today I want to talk about something a bit different than I usually do. I typically like to focus on the positive aspects of sex. It can add to a person's life in so many great ways. It can also be a strong negative presence in a person's life if they were put in an unwanted situation, and boundaries were not respected.

Tomorrow evening I will be a part of an amazing event held in Winnipeg, and will be reading the letter below as my contribution to the night.

TRIGGER WARNING: This letter recounts the real life trauma of a sexual attack

There was a time I became good friends with grief. Maybe "good" isn't the word, but we were well acquainted. It was all I had. 

And I let it pick me apart, piece by piece, with every unfortunate situation. A death in the family; chip. The end of my marriage; Chip, chip. Persecution by family and friends for making the choice to leave an abusive relationship; Chip, chip, chip.

Never did I feel so empty, so useless, so devastatingly small. Then I remembered you, old friend. I knew you'd never judge me for making a good choice for my life. Even though years had passed, you welcomed me back into your home like I knew you would. It wouldn't quite be like old times, but neither of us minded. Things change. With a little work, we could be each other's support again.

I thought little of being alone with you. Over ten years of our friendship being a safe zone told me it was okay.

But I didn't know you'd taken E that night. I didn't know you had no respect for the situation I was in and how very vulnerable I felt. I didn't know you would ever take it that far. I know you heard me say no, and no, and no again. I know you felt me fight back. I know you knew you were stronger.

Amazingly, I got away. You didn't hurt me. At least not physically. But you pissed all over what little life I had left. You disgust me. I didn't get a divorce and put an end to the abuse in my life or cut off contact with my relentless family, just to give you a turn. You do not control me! It was this thought that gave me the will to get out of there at my first chance.

And then, cancer. Major surgery and complications equaled hiding away in a dark and musty dump-hole basement for months, guarding myself from anything that had ever hurt me. I was too heavily medicated to even think straight, let alone deal with what had happened.

When I went back to work and was expected to function again, I shoved the memory deep into the corners of myself. I didn't tell a soul- who would believe me that it wasn't my fault?

And I carried on with life. I started to date again, I got myself a great job, found myself some amazing friends, and I mostly repaired my relationship with my family.

But I still felt broken. A cluster of shadows clung to me and followed me everywhere I went. Anything that made me feel vulnerable left me in a blubbering mess of tears and memories I didn't want to have. A trigger here, a trigger there. Full body cringes and crawlies under my skin became more frequent. It felt like it would never end.

I write this letter to you, because you need to know that you have no control over my life. I'm the only one that lives it, I'm the only one that gets to make choices for MY LIFE. It's not your choice who's allowed to touch my body. It's not your choice who I share it with. And when you decide to take and use my body at your own will, you will not break me. My life is too important, and I have way too much to give.

I hope you've put as much thought and pain into that night as I have. Despite your actions threatening to stain the only life I have, I am alive! I am well! And I am happy! This wasn't my fault. But what I am responsible for is finding a way to pick myself up again, surround myself with loving people, and live the way I choose for myself. I hereby cut the strings, I am not your marionette! I release myself from you, and all the darkness you carry with you. My life is loved, my life is precious, and it is my own.

It was hard to share this. At the same time, it was liberating. I'm not letting anyone control me anymore.

If you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted, here is a great website that talks about how to deal with it, whether it's was recent or a long time ago:

http://bandbacktogether.com/How-To-Help-Someone-Heal-From-Sexual-Assault/

If you live in Winnipeg and are unsure how to report an assault, go here:

http://winnipeg.ca/police/units_and_divisions/sex_crimes.stm

Stay strong, Winnipeg. You are not alone.

XOXOXO,

Lady Blue

Buying Your First Lady Vibrator

Whether you are someone who has lady parts, or shopping for someone who does, it can be really overwhelming trying to figure out what's going to do the trick without any guidelines. Well, that's what I'm here for!

Here's what you should be keeping in mind if you're thinking of losing your vibrator virginity:

Material
Now, I know it's really tempting to go for just a straight, hard plastic vibe. They're inexpensive, sometimes they have multiple settings, or come in cute colors/patterns. They can also be some of the loudest, which isn't exactly going to put you at ease for that first play date. To anyone who asks, I urge them to start off with something jelly or soft to the touch for their first vibe. The more people I meet who hated their first vibrator, the more I'm hearing that they started with something cheap and hard. I'm not saying avoid plastic like the plague (some people are really happy with plastic), but I am saying that there are a lot of people that wish they had bought something else the first time.



Okay, you've found something jelly. Now, have a look at the packaging. Unfortunately, there is no law saying they have to list on the packaging what goes into that jelly outer layer. This can make a shopper leery (and rightfully so), but thankfully the companies that make vibrators are aware of that, and will mark anything deemed body safe as a selling feature. Look for anything with the Safe and Pure logo on it, or the words "Phthalate Free". As a lot of jelly vibrators are made of latex, if you have a latex allergy, go with silicone. Silicone is also viewed as a great selling feature, so if it doesn't say on the box in plain text that it's silicone, you can be sure to find the information stamped on there somewhere as a logo. Something called Sil-a-Gel is getting increasingly popular as well, which is a reformulated version of silicone, and is just as body-safe as regular silicone.

Size & Shape
The size and shape you pick out is ultimately up to you, but the vast majority of first time vibrator shoppers prefer to go with something simple. That means staying away from any dual stimulators, or any other vibes whose purpose escapes you. Those vibes can be great once you've done some self-exploration and found out what kind of stimulation works best for you. Remember, each individual's preferences aren't so black and white as "Place (A) in (B)", so your well-meaning friend's toy suggestion may not be what works for you.

If you start with something insertable that's not overly thick (approx 1.5" wide or less), you will have more room to navigate and explore in different ways. You'll be able to try external stimulation only, internal thrusting, and finding your g-spot with the right angling. Length doesn't make a big difference unless you are using something too small for insertion, like a bullet vibe.

My Recommendations
First Time Softees are a great starter vibrator. They're small, easy to use, jelly, and are available in straight or curved g-spot styles. Pictured at the left is the First Time Softee Teaser (available at Smitten, $18.95). 

Climax Gems are the next most popular beginner-friendly vibrator. They come in a wide variety of sizes, shapes, and colors, and are waterproof. Below are the Climax Gems Margarita Bubbly, Wisteria Waves, and Fuchsia Phallus (Smitten, $24.95 each).

Since silicone is higher quality, this means they usually come with some extra settings. My first recommendation for silicone is any of the five vibrators from the Wonderland series by Doc Johnson (Smitten, $39.95). The Wonderland White Wabbit is one of the more basic, and a great beginner tool as it`s small, simple, has 10 settings, and hey, it`s adorable.

Lastly, and definitely not least, is the Liv by Lelo (Smitten, $117.95). Where do I begin? Aside from it being the perfect size and shape for someone just starting out, this is one for those who like to start with an investment purchase that offers the utmost in quality. Lelo offers a full year of warranty for defects, and an impressive 10 year guarantee, which provides half of what you paid towards the purchase of new one if this one flakes. 100% medical grade silicone, rechargeable, and five settings, it's hard to go wrong with the Liv.

Fuze Harmony Video Review

Oh  my! It seems I've been too busy reviewing toys, and not devoting enough time to sharing my reviews! Here is a video review I put together for another great product by Fuze, the Harmony dildo.

'Peg Love Podcast Hiatus

It saddens me to let you know that I am having to put down my baby that is the 'Peg Love Podcast for now, for time and health reasons. I still intend on posting what relevant posts I can on Facebook, doing product reviews, keeping up my blog, and speaking publicly where time allows.

My podcast partner Jackson has decided to step down with me. We apologize for the podcast being so brief. We have a lot to offer and look forward to picking it up again after my wedding in September.

Thanks to everyone who supported us. We hope you'll be with us again in a few months when things have settled down and we can really show you what 'Peg Love can do.

xoxoxo
Lady Blue

Fuze Wilde Dildo Review

When it was time for me to pick out a new toy, after all the good I've heard, I knew it had to be a Fuze dildo. Being rather sensitive and a bit germaphobic, I feel at ease using a toy made of 100% medical grade silicone, which is phthalate-free, hypoallergenic, and incredibly easy to clean. Not to mention that they can even be boiled for sterilization. On top of that, they are definitely higher quality than anything else that has made it into my toy box thus far. The Canadian company is one concerned with not only treating our bodies well, but the environment also, which is the kind of company I want to support.

When I first saw the Wilde, I have to admit that I was intimidated by its size. It has a girth of 1 3/4" along the full 9" of length. After enthusiastic encouragement from a friend who had tried it before, I decided to go for it. I've owned the toy for several weeks now, and even considering my extensive toy collection, the Wilde is still my favorite by far.

On the insertable end, it has a thick, defined head, with two pronounced ridges just beneath it on the top of the shaft. Turn it around, and it's a flattened tear drop shape, slightly curved with deep horizontal stimulating grooves, which has the capacity to make the toy harness compatible. And here's the best part- the Wilde is purchased as a non-vibrating dildo, but has an insert location on its underside near the base to hold any standard sized bullet vibrator. This means a lower initial cost for buying a non-vibrating toy, and also a lower replacement cost when the vibrator burns out- just replace the very affordable bullet, not the entire toy!

I started by turning on the bullet, and pointing the tip of the teardrop downward. The slight curve fit nicely on my body, and the width of it was just right. Between the bullet vibrations, the deep grooves, and the "dip dip" with the tip of the teardrop, this had me warmed up and ready to take on more in no time. The smooth texture glided the toy in easily. It was full, but definitely not too big, and I was pleased to notice that the ridges on the shaft could be felt deep inside, too. This is the closest any toy has gotten to the size of my well-endowed partner, and to me, there isn't anything better than that. Just the feel of the shape and size of the toy on its own was enough to send me soaring, and I soon turned off the bullet completely, as the vibrations were strong enough to resonate all the way to the tip.

After my "workout", I felt satisfied enough to carry on with my day and put my new friend away. However, on its way out, the ridges below the head bump-bumped against my g-spot and had me going for rounds 2, 3, and... who knows! This toy effortlessly walked me through all the levels of achieving an amazing multi-O, which I've never been able to achieve with a toy alone. I was literally singing as I cleaned up and got myself put back together. I have a lot of toys, but my busy life often pushes them to the back burner, except this one! I'm not ashamed to say that whenever I have some spare time, I find myself running back to the bedroom to reaffirm that the Wilde is still my favorite toy.

You can follow my reviews and other on www.cherrystems.com, and learn more about Fuze toys at www.facebook.com/fuzetoys.

Happy (insert here) Day!

Oh, Valentine's Day.

It somehow has a never-fail way of striking big emotions in people, and sometimes push them to make big decisions. February 14th has become a popular date for engagements, break-ups, weddings, and singles parties. Being someone who speaks openly with people about their relationships and sex lives, I see people putting themselves through agony to be able to experience the perfect Valentine's Day. Sometimes that means impressing a new lover, or adding spark to a relationship/sex life that's seen better days. Some see it as an opportunity to make up past mistakes to their partner, or make the day extra special for someone who really deserves it. Alternatively, I see equal anxiety in those without a partner. They may feel the pressure to be with someone by Valentine's Day, solely so they can go on a date or not be left out of the activities and events put on especially for couples. Some are urged to stay single by their circle of friends so they can band together and support one another on a day that is strongly seen as a couples-only holiday. And of course, this is the time for Valentine's Grinches to surface, posting relationship-negative statuses/tweets, or just being generally unhappy.

Do we ever stop to ask ourselves why we do it? Why do we allow just another day with a special name attached to it intensify our positive or negative feelings toward love, sex, and relationships, and add extra anxiety to our lives? Why do we fight to avoid labels being put on ourselves, but we allow a label on a day to dictate what we buy, how we dress, and who we spend our time with?

Don't get me wrong, I understand feeling like you have to recognize a day that is in your face everywhere you go, and pushed on us as a must-do by the media. I also understand the feeling of wanting to do something nice for whoever is special in your life. If you choose to ignore Valentine's Day, or decide to go all out with a big gift for your lover, you're doing everything right as long as it's what makes you happy. If you're single and want to feel special, there's nothing wrong (in fact there's so much right) with having a bubble bath by candle light with your favorite wine in hand. There's no point in letting a calendar push you around because one of those days has a pink heart drawn around it.

So if you're feeling the pressure and don't know how to deal, close your eyes, take a deep breath, and hit reset. Welcome to a regular old Thursday. You might choose to cherish someone, bang someone, embrace your friends, or revisit your vibrator, but today is for you, just like every other. This is your life, and the only expectations you should have to deal with are your own. I hope that regardless of where you currently are in your life, you'll be able to find what you're looking for today.

With that, I wish you all a very happy (insert here) day!

Exes and ohhhs,

Lady Blue

DivaCup Review

The DivaCup is a silicone cup worn vaginally that collects menstrual flow. It is considered a healthy, convenient, and economical alternative to tampons and pads. It comes in two sizes: Size 1 fits best for women under 30 years old who have never delivered a child vaginally or by caesarian section. Size 2 is recommended for those over 30, whether they have given birth before or not.

Why I Wanted to Try the DivaCup

- being non-disposable, I like how plumbing friendly this product is. Tampons have so often clogged the toilet, and I can't stand having a bunch of used menstrual products in the garbage can where guests can see and kitty can reach.

- there are no risks of Toxic Shock Syndrome like with tampons, or skin irritation like with pads

- since I no longer need to make a monthly purchase, it's easier on the wallet

- you can wear it for up to 12 hours at a time. This saves me time and stress, as I don't have to balance my busy schedule with tending to my period

- being able to wear it for up to 12 hours is extremely beneficial to my more active lifestyle. I can now plan camping and fishing trips without worrying about having to carry feminine products with me

- it can be worn during swimming and sports

- even though I'm sensitive, the cup is made of silicone, which is incredibly rare for anyone to have sensitivities to

My First Impression

Upon taking it out of the box, I noticed that it was soft and malleable, which is always a bonus in a product that I want to move with me. It wasn't too big, but had a curious stem on the bottom, and I worried a bit about it poking me. I later learned that this stem can be trimmed if needed. I didn't think I'd have a problem dealing with insertion and removal as I've been using an alternative disposable menstrual cup for some time with no trouble, so I was pretty shocked as I unfolded the 3 page instruction manual it came with, for something I perceived as a quick and easy to use product. It was a bit daunting to find out that I was going to have to insert the cup, then rotate it while inside to prevent leaking- a lot more hands on than I expected.

Trying the DivaCup For the First Time

After reading through the lengthy instruction manual twice (or was it thrice?), I felt overwhelmed and confused. Finally I decided to just pop it in the way I felt would work best. Surprisingly I got it on the first try. I spent the day comfortable and largely not thinking about it. I was sure I finally found the product that would make my period as painless as it could be. At the end of a long day, however, I realized that cleaning and reinserting the cup probably wasn't something I'd want to do half-asleep until I got more used to it. This is also when I learned that the handy little stem on the end wasn't meant to pull on to get it out. It was up to me to bear down with my muscles to remove it, and I wondered if that was going to be as easy as it sounded, especially since I haven't been doing kegel exercises. Turns out it was that easy, and I appreciate not having to reach in to get it out.

After Day 1

When cleaning the cup for the first time, I was a little put off by seeing a day's worth of menstrual flow just sitting there, not absorbed into any cotton as I've grown accustomed to over the past 10+ years I've been dealing with this. This made me slightly squeamish when I tried to insert it, so days 2-4 I dealt with a fair bit of leakage. Admittedly, that's all user-error, and it got better as I got faster at putting it in and learned just how to do it correctly.

I should have listened to the DivaCup website:

Tips for Success

No one expected you to ride your bike without training wheels on your first try. Likewise, finding the right fold, routine and time of use for your DivaCup may take a few cycles. Once you’ve got a handle on it, you’ll be inserting and removing the cup without even thinking about it.

www.divacup.com

Summary

Overall, I love this product. It has a steeper learning curve than I expected, but the pros far outweigh the cons. I am confident that by my second or third period, I should be able to handle it like a pro. Being incredibly forgetful, I enjoy not having to remember to throw tampons in my bag before leaving the house, because I've already got my coverage with me. With my irregular period, it's also a relief not having to deal with scrambling for a new box of tampons or pads when a surprise period pops up. When my period got lighter, I was relieved to be using a non-toxic silicone product, rather than irritating my body with a mostly dry tampon or pad. And most importantly, I've made a better, healthier choice for my body and the environment I live in. When asked, I always say yes, I would recommend this product!

Introduction

Hello 'Peg Love listeners!

I am so thrilled to be a part of the world of education. Although I do my best to incorporate important information in the podcast, I like to go with the flow and just have fun with it, as I feel that people primarily like to use audio for relaxation and entertainment. With this blog, I hope to offer more detailed information for those seeking it, including product reviews and some insights on the differing perceptions people have towards sex in general.

I really hope to help break down taboos and stereotypes and support ideas that encourage positive body image and self love. Thank you for being a part of this with me.

Exes and ohhhs,

Lady Blue