Tomorrow evening I will be a part of an amazing event held in Winnipeg, and will be reading the letter below as my contribution to the night.
TRIGGER WARNING: This letter recounts the real life trauma of a sexual attack
There was a time I became good friends with grief. Maybe "good" isn't the word, but we were well acquainted. It was all I had.
And I let it pick me apart, piece by piece, with every unfortunate situation. A death in the family; chip. The end of my marriage; Chip, chip. Persecution by family and friends for making the choice to leave an abusive relationship; Chip, chip, chip.
Never did I feel so empty, so useless, so devastatingly small. Then I remembered you, old friend. I knew you'd never judge me for making a good choice for my life. Even though years had passed, you welcomed me back into your home like I knew you would. It wouldn't quite be like old times, but neither of us minded. Things change. With a little work, we could be each other's support again.
I thought little of being alone with you. Over ten years of our friendship being a safe zone told me it was okay.
But I didn't know you'd taken E that night. I didn't know you had no respect for the situation I was in and how very vulnerable I felt. I didn't know you would ever take it that far. I know you heard me say no, and no, and no again. I know you felt me fight back. I know you knew you were stronger.
Amazingly, I got away. You didn't hurt me. At least not physically. But you pissed all over what little life I had left. You disgust me. I didn't get a divorce and put an end to the abuse in my life or cut off contact with my relentless family, just to give you a turn. You do not control me! It was this thought that gave me the will to get out of there at my first chance.
And then, cancer. Major surgery and complications equaled hiding away in a dark and musty dump-hole basement for months, guarding myself from anything that had ever hurt me. I was too heavily medicated to even think straight, let alone deal with what had happened.
When I went back to work and was expected to function again, I shoved the memory deep into the corners of myself. I didn't tell a soul- who would believe me that it wasn't my fault?
And I carried on with life. I started to date again, I got myself a great job, found myself some amazing friends, and I mostly repaired my relationship with my family.
And I carried on with life. I started to date again, I got myself a great job, found myself some amazing friends, and I mostly repaired my relationship with my family.
But I still felt broken. A cluster of shadows clung to me and followed me everywhere I went. Anything that made me feel vulnerable left me in a blubbering mess of tears and memories I didn't want to have. A trigger here, a trigger there. Full body cringes and crawlies under my skin became more frequent. It felt like it would never end.
I write this letter to you, because you need to know that you have no control over my life. I'm the only one that lives it, I'm the only one that gets to make choices for MY LIFE. It's not your choice who's allowed to touch my body. It's not your choice who I share it with. And when you decide to take and use my body at your own will, you will not break me. My life is too important, and I have way too much to give.
I hope you've put as much thought and pain into that night as I have. Despite your actions threatening to stain the only life I have, I am alive! I am well! And I am happy! This wasn't my fault. But what I am responsible for is finding a way to pick myself up again, surround myself with loving people, and live the way I choose for myself. I hereby cut the strings, I am not your marionette! I release myself from you, and all the darkness you carry with you. My life is loved, my life is precious, and it is my own.
It was hard to share this. At the same time, it was liberating. I'm not letting anyone control me anymore.
If you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted, here is a great website that talks about how to deal with it, whether it's was recent or a long time ago:
If you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted, here is a great website that talks about how to deal with it, whether it's was recent or a long time ago:
If you live in Winnipeg and are unsure how to report an assault, go here:
Stay strong, Winnipeg. You are not alone.
XOXOXO,
Lady Blue
